Wife asks husband to forgive affair, but he's feeling wounded

Dear Ellie: I've been married 17 years, and we have two children,ages 4 and 12. Recently I discovered that my wife has had a longaffair with one of her ex-boyfriends.

After a lot of quarreling, she insisted that our marriage continuebecause of our kids, and she asked my forgiveness. I accepted, butunfortunately, I cannot forget. I feel my pride has been struck. Idon't know what to do.

TORN

Dear Torn: When a couple makes a joint decision to stay togetherafter an affair, both people are involved in the recovery andrebuilding. Your wife needs to tell you enough about the affair foryou to understand why it happened. Graphic details are not necessary,but some of the background on when and how it started will benecessary for your wounds to heal. Your wife is mistaken if shethinks an apology covers all that.

It's common for couples to need marriage counseling during thispost-affair process. If you both commit to the hard work of exploringwith a therapist what went wrong, what prompted her needs for outsideattention and how her past infidelity still affects you, there's hopefor a more solid union.

Dear Ellie: My son, age 9, is intelligent, empathetic and kind,but extremely sensitive. He does well in school and has a smallcircle of good friends. He can be a worrier and on the serious side,yet he's outgoing, plays sports and is usually happy, joking andplaying.

However, he cannot handle even gentle criticism. He imagines it'shappening when it isn't, such as after a recent soccer game, hecommented that the parents were laughing at him, which wasn't so. Histeachers have always commented on his extreme sensitivity and that hesometimes cries in class if he thinks the other students are criticalof him. We've looked into possible bullying, but this doesn't seem tobe the case (although if this behavior continues, we fear he'll losefriends and attract bullies). If he perceives that another child iseven slightly angry with him, he'll withdraw from the group and sulkor cry. Recently, he said he's being "tortured" by his feelings.

His behavior is worse during times of change, such as thebeginning or end of the school year. His father and I talk about hisgreat qualities, yet it doesn't get through. We've tried to give himtools for dealing with his feelings and reacting in given situations,but he gets overwhelmed by his emotions when in the moment.

Is it possible that he'll outgrow this as he matures, or should weseek professional help? All other aspects of our lives offer noobvious areas where he could be suffering from stress.

CONCERNED MOM

Dear Concerned MoM: Your son needs professional help now. Withschool starting again and his confession of feeling "tortured" bythese sensitivities, his needs go beyond the very good efforts you'vemade so far.

Help him understand that seeking therapy doesn't mean he's"weird." Experts estimate that 15 percent to 20 percent of childrenare born highly sensitive and easily overwhelmed. Because thesechildren have nervous systems that make them highly aware and quickto react, they often need special handling. The challenges ofapproaching puberty make this an important time to help him see hisnature in a more positive light.

An experienced professional can provide direction and teacheffective coping behaviors as your son encounters more complex socialrelationships. But keep stressing that he is still normal, and indeedhas special traits that help him see subtleties that others miss.

Recommended Reading: The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping OurChildren Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them, by Elaine Aron. Theauthor explores the challenges for parents and offers ways to helpthem raise sensitive children to be happy, successful adults.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail toaskellie@suntimes.com.